Torn

Please note that I have no intention of turning this blog into a sob story or continually using it to vent frustrations. Oh boo hoo me!

However, I am at the end of a frayed rope today. Last night was the FIFTH night in a row where Lilly has nursed every hour... at least. I didn't even fall asleep for the first time last night until 5 am.

We would nurse for about 20 min... she would suck on and off for another 10. Finally. FINALLY! she would allow me to remove her without crying around the 30 min mark! I would try to relax and go to sleep for the next 25 min... just start to nod off and she'd start crying again. HERE WE GO AGAIN. Repeat process all night. Guh.

Like I said, Frayed rope.

I will be amazed if this post makes any sense when it's done.

We have a dinner guest right now as well (I'm upstairs, you guessed it, nursing), so we spent most of the day trying to get our act together enough to seem sane. yikes. I bet she sees right through it... we probably should have rescheduled!

I think Lilly is having a growth spurt. She's really hungry! But she needs to SLEEP at night and EAT in the day! I can't think of any other way to teach her this than to send her to the crib. There's no way to let them cry it out every now and then. it's all or nothing. If we do this there's no turning back. Bed time will become our battlefield instead of our coziest time of day.

Here's the thing though. I love nursing. I love co-sleeping. I really don't want to stop either. I just can't make it through another night of this.

She's nursing right now while we sit in the chair and she looks so sweet. so cuddly. She has no idea what we're planning.

I just feel like crying. :(

The Cottage

Here is the Cottage...

Thanks to Spuma for the picture! (Love you Spumy!) I need to remember to zoom out a bit every now and then when I'm taking photos. I usually concentrate on cropping out the background to help focus on the subject. But sometimes it's nice to understand the place as well. Especially when you're in such a loverly location!

Here's Lilly with her very first mouthful of sand! Yummy!

She was a little nervous about the sand and stones a few weeks ago. If you set her down, the little feet would retract. Hillarious... I may have done it a few more times than was absolutely necessary :) You gotta find something to laugh about when you live on so little sleep!

This evening she wanted to get right in there and taste everything... which understandably made grandma a little nervous.

I know, I know... blurry, but I love her little fingers :) So sue me!

In my defense, I'm blaming the blur on my catlike reflexes... had to keep this stone from becoming dinner for my little girl. Now that was a classic wifey shot... very macro. All sand and water and hand. and blur... drat.

Here is a classic Hubby shot... Very angular, taking in the location.

Wanna know why I like this one... cause I look thin :) Hey! I just gave birth... I'm allowed to be a little vain about it! Disclaimer: There will be absolutely no macro photography of my legs. Eek! No amount of Photoshop could clean up that image. I'm not trying to give anyone nightmares here!

I love that little pear shaped baby!

Tree Hugger

I am in love with this elm tree by the public library.

Dramatic

THIRTY!!!!

Here I am 30 years ago... with my Mom.

I have a new perspective on this photo now that I'm a Mom. I must be about Lilly's age in this shot. She has been a great Mom, I'd be proud to do half as good a job as her.

By the way, babies are such great snugglers! Makes me want another snuggler of my very own... NOT YET though! Don't go jumping to any conclusions now! I know I recently ate a whole box of shells and cheese for lunch, but that DOESN't mean I'm knocked up!

Here I am about ten... with the rest of the family.

Almost certainly the best hair of my life so far. Half my were dedicated to bangs... which were starting to curl more and more. Mom had straight hair and so we had NO IDEA what to do with these coils! Just look at that muff on my forehead. I was SUPER cute! Yeah right!

I was also probably getting into gymnastics here... That's basically how I spent the next decade. Upside-down. Someday I'll have to find a leotard picture to post... but not today :)

We weren't quite whole yet, BJ wasn't born. But these were good times. We lived in Bremen and had good friends. This was one of our best family vacations... relaxing at Sleeping Bear Dunes. Maybe in ten years we'll have a picture of Tim, Lilly and I there! I hope so!

Here I am at Twenty... with Hubby.

It's been TEN YEARS! Holy Moly. Where does the time go? We've been together for 1/3 of my life... That is just amazing to me.

When this picture was taken I was kind of a dope, just out of those classy teen years. I didn't know what I wanted to do for a career... didn't really trust myself very much... didn't make good choices in friends... let those 'friends' walk all over me... had STUNNING fashion sense... was sporting the freshmen 15...

mmm, I'd say I've improved with age.

One thing I DID know when this picture was taken was that the guy next to me was a keeper.

In the last ten years we've had our ups and downs. All of them made us better for each other. We needed to go through them to get to here.

Here I am at 30... with Hubby!

... and Lilly!

Still hanging out at the Cottage like in the last picture, but so much has changed! Wonder what the next decade will be like? What will I say about this picture in ten years? Who knows! But I'm sure it will be even better than today!

YEAH for THIRTY!!

Pure Joy

While we were playing on the bed after her nap I caught this huge smile... Love her!

Weapons of Mass Distraction

Hubby's job when Lilly needs clean pants...
He coined the term tonight and I thought the world should know :)


Just look at that face... Does she look easily distracted to you?

Still Waters

Still Waters Run Deep

This is how a friend recently described Hubby... Apt description. He blushed a bit at the compliment and joked how Josh might back peddle if he discovered the leaning stacks of cheesy comic books on the nightstand. Now I'm not saying that his stacking tendencies don't occasionally make me consider that pyromania might be the only solution, but enthusiastic love for superheroes is part of his makeup. Even if Josh changed his opinion, I will always love my comic book-nerd, film-geek hubby.

Here is Hubby's current comic book love.
The Green Lantern

He tried to explain lanterns to me, but I just don't get it... oh well. How does that mini mask stick to that guy's face anyway? Adhesive? I don't see any strings there... And who decided that if you've got superpowers the only prudent course of action is to run around in a leotard with a mask super-glued to your face? I guess I can't judge though, I spent about 20 years of my life in a leotard. Maybe I'll write a gymnastics post someday...

Back to my point... A flattering compliment from a casual acquaintance, but it struck me, because it rings so true.

This is the perfect phrase to sum him up. Still Waters Run Deep.

Hubby is calm, measured, and level. The most loyal man I've ever met. Sometimes almost to a fault. Almost... and then I remember that I am the one who most benefits from this loyalty. Hubby's is a quiet confidence. He has no need to show it off, or push it in anyone's face. He doesn't worry much about clothes... or hair... or shoes... or what anyone else is doing.

Instead, he does his own thing. And very well. We recently found out that the teaching job he just landed (wrote about the job the other day) had 4000 other people apply for it. That is just insane.

Under Hubby's calm surface the waters run extremely deep. Makes me think of the fjords in Norway. Some of them are narrow enough to pitch a stone to the opposite shore, but run thousands of feet deep. Hubby's like that... and it's a lovely thing.

I've been lucky enough to experience both.

Thanks to studio Jfish on flikr for the photo :)
I didn't feel like digging in the closet to find mine...

On my own, although I'm hard-working and enthusiastic, I'm also frazzled, panicky, and a bit scattered. I'm always concerned about making a good appearance. I glance around a lot. He rubs off on me though... calms me down and helps me to focus.

Look at him watching Lilly.

She's thrashing around and he's just watching her sort it out. Lilly takes after me... which makes my mom sorry she wished a colicky baby on me for years. But that's another story. Lilly needs her daddy... he'll temper her to. She is lucky to have him.


I think I mentioned I love him...