Suffering

I have been CRANKY these last few days... surly and NO FUN to be around. Just ask hubby... I bet he'd have an eye roll for my outlook lately.

My mind is just out of control. I have been letting several useless desires get to me. Seeking alone time. Convincing the landlord to spare a lovely old tree. Failing. Watching the lovely tree needlessly die. Shopping for our own home (We decide the fate of it's trees). Dreading the start of school. Battling clutter and chaos in our house.

I've kinda felt like this...
whiny and irritable like my (maybe) teething daughter.

Last week we tried to get Lilly to sleep in her crib. I have been reading a book about healthy sleep for infants. Some ideas in the book were really appealing to me. The first idea was that Lilly could nap on her own. This was appealing because I could expect two whole hours during the day to myself! The second idea was that she needed an early bedtime. Also appealing because Hubby and I might get some much needed couple time.

Perfect! Ah-ha! She just needs to cry through a few bedtimes to learn to sooth herself and we all win. Lilly gets healthier sleep and we get some alone time! Yeah!

Easy ideas to get attached to. Sooo desirable.

Here was the reality after 3 days. Lilly screamed for 5 hours a day, was exhausted, cranky and clingy. I got much less done, no alone time... All the while feeling guilty and negligent. I was also pissed at Lilly for not following the rules. This anger keeps cropping up even though we gave up on the new sleep system.

It's been hard to get the idea out of my head that I deserve the alone time promised by the doctor who wrote the book.

Here is what we are back to now...

So snuggly and sweet... And I have time to blog while she snoozes. I just need to let go of the alone time idea and be happy with what I have. It's really pretty great.

We're trying to buy a house...

We like this one right now

This territory comes with a ton of hoop jumping, red tape to access my 401k, baby screaming car rides, waiting, hopes, desires and angst! Why is so much unhealthy desire attached to this activity? It's part of our culture to wrap up our identity in the homes we make for ourselves.

Will I really be happier if I owned these lovely stained glass windows, wood trim and hardwood floors?
I dunno, but they are awfully seductive...

Before we even walked in I was mentally arranging our furniture in these rooms. Grandma's table and chair set in the dining room. Our white bookshelves in the corner of the living room... The whole deal may just evaporate. We'll be stuck getting over the love of what could have been.

Tim starts school in the next weeks. I'm so attached to having him around to help out every day. It's hard to let go and just realize that I'm going to have to learn to be alone with Lilly most of the time again. It's just so daunting, but I can't stop it from coming, so I need to just stop worrying about it.

In all of these cases I have tried to control the uncontrollable or desired something impossible. It only makes me upset and unhappy and serves no useful purpose.

JUST LET IT GO HEATHER!

I'll let you all know how I fare.

Hopefully we'll be feeling more like this...