From the Mouths of Babes

Lilly's gestures right now...
pointing- at everything!
Waving hello and goodbye
Kisses- mouth open and smashed into my cheek
Arms up- Here I am!
Clapping- pat a cake


Sounds...
Growling- i want/like that
Raspberries- silly
patting mouth- bababababa she jumps her whole body to do this
Uh-uh-uh-uh!- Pay attention to ME!
Mmmmm- yummy


Real words...
Hi- Her first word
Mama- sigh
Dada- she said this months before mama
Papa- grandpa
fffff- woof, dog
Baba- ball, bottle, bubbles, boat
Nana- banana
Wow
Nnnnna- No

My Helper

Er, Master of Destruction?

Can't you see she is helping me pack for the move? Just look at all that packing material she's spreading around for me!

EVERYWHERE...

Peek!

Ok, maybe she's just making a huge mess.
Especially when it sticks to her and she tracks it around the house...

But that's alright.

This mess kept her entertained long enough for me to pack up a few boxes.

Progress... kinda.

Yes, we're wierd

Sometimes Lilly gives kisses... Sometimes she just chews on my face.

Suffering

I have been CRANKY these last few days... surly and NO FUN to be around. Just ask hubby... I bet he'd have an eye roll for my outlook lately.

My mind is just out of control. I have been letting several useless desires get to me. Seeking alone time. Convincing the landlord to spare a lovely old tree. Failing. Watching the lovely tree needlessly die. Shopping for our own home (We decide the fate of it's trees). Dreading the start of school. Battling clutter and chaos in our house.

I've kinda felt like this...
whiny and irritable like my (maybe) teething daughter.

Last week we tried to get Lilly to sleep in her crib. I have been reading a book about healthy sleep for infants. Some ideas in the book were really appealing to me. The first idea was that Lilly could nap on her own. This was appealing because I could expect two whole hours during the day to myself! The second idea was that she needed an early bedtime. Also appealing because Hubby and I might get some much needed couple time.

Perfect! Ah-ha! She just needs to cry through a few bedtimes to learn to sooth herself and we all win. Lilly gets healthier sleep and we get some alone time! Yeah!

Easy ideas to get attached to. Sooo desirable.

Here was the reality after 3 days. Lilly screamed for 5 hours a day, was exhausted, cranky and clingy. I got much less done, no alone time... All the while feeling guilty and negligent. I was also pissed at Lilly for not following the rules. This anger keeps cropping up even though we gave up on the new sleep system.

It's been hard to get the idea out of my head that I deserve the alone time promised by the doctor who wrote the book.

Here is what we are back to now...

So snuggly and sweet... And I have time to blog while she snoozes. I just need to let go of the alone time idea and be happy with what I have. It's really pretty great.

We're trying to buy a house...

We like this one right now

This territory comes with a ton of hoop jumping, red tape to access my 401k, baby screaming car rides, waiting, hopes, desires and angst! Why is so much unhealthy desire attached to this activity? It's part of our culture to wrap up our identity in the homes we make for ourselves.

Will I really be happier if I owned these lovely stained glass windows, wood trim and hardwood floors?
I dunno, but they are awfully seductive...

Before we even walked in I was mentally arranging our furniture in these rooms. Grandma's table and chair set in the dining room. Our white bookshelves in the corner of the living room... The whole deal may just evaporate. We'll be stuck getting over the love of what could have been.

Tim starts school in the next weeks. I'm so attached to having him around to help out every day. It's hard to let go and just realize that I'm going to have to learn to be alone with Lilly most of the time again. It's just so daunting, but I can't stop it from coming, so I need to just stop worrying about it.

In all of these cases I have tried to control the uncontrollable or desired something impossible. It only makes me upset and unhappy and serves no useful purpose.

JUST LET IT GO HEATHER!

I'll let you all know how I fare.

Hopefully we'll be feeling more like this...

Didn't do it

Not yet anyway... She's still snoozing with us. Maybe before school starts? Tim's worried about getting up before us. We create a safe valley for her in the middle of the bed, but if he's gone... not so safe maybe.

But how can we kick this face out of bed?

Torn

Please note that I have no intention of turning this blog into a sob story or continually using it to vent frustrations. Oh boo hoo me!

However, I am at the end of a frayed rope today. Last night was the FIFTH night in a row where Lilly has nursed every hour... at least. I didn't even fall asleep for the first time last night until 5 am.

We would nurse for about 20 min... she would suck on and off for another 10. Finally. FINALLY! she would allow me to remove her without crying around the 30 min mark! I would try to relax and go to sleep for the next 25 min... just start to nod off and she'd start crying again. HERE WE GO AGAIN. Repeat process all night. Guh.

Like I said, Frayed rope.

I will be amazed if this post makes any sense when it's done.

We have a dinner guest right now as well (I'm upstairs, you guessed it, nursing), so we spent most of the day trying to get our act together enough to seem sane. yikes. I bet she sees right through it... we probably should have rescheduled!

I think Lilly is having a growth spurt. She's really hungry! But she needs to SLEEP at night and EAT in the day! I can't think of any other way to teach her this than to send her to the crib. There's no way to let them cry it out every now and then. it's all or nothing. If we do this there's no turning back. Bed time will become our battlefield instead of our coziest time of day.

Here's the thing though. I love nursing. I love co-sleeping. I really don't want to stop either. I just can't make it through another night of this.

She's nursing right now while we sit in the chair and she looks so sweet. so cuddly. She has no idea what we're planning.

I just feel like crying. :(

The Cottage

Here is the Cottage...

Thanks to Spuma for the picture! (Love you Spumy!) I need to remember to zoom out a bit every now and then when I'm taking photos. I usually concentrate on cropping out the background to help focus on the subject. But sometimes it's nice to understand the place as well. Especially when you're in such a loverly location!

Here's Lilly with her very first mouthful of sand! Yummy!

She was a little nervous about the sand and stones a few weeks ago. If you set her down, the little feet would retract. Hillarious... I may have done it a few more times than was absolutely necessary :) You gotta find something to laugh about when you live on so little sleep!

This evening she wanted to get right in there and taste everything... which understandably made grandma a little nervous.

I know, I know... blurry, but I love her little fingers :) So sue me!

In my defense, I'm blaming the blur on my catlike reflexes... had to keep this stone from becoming dinner for my little girl. Now that was a classic wifey shot... very macro. All sand and water and hand. and blur... drat.

Here is a classic Hubby shot... Very angular, taking in the location.

Wanna know why I like this one... cause I look thin :) Hey! I just gave birth... I'm allowed to be a little vain about it! Disclaimer: There will be absolutely no macro photography of my legs. Eek! No amount of Photoshop could clean up that image. I'm not trying to give anyone nightmares here!

I love that little pear shaped baby!

Pure Joy

While we were playing on the bed after her nap I caught this huge smile... Love her!

Weapons of Mass Distraction

Hubby's job when Lilly needs clean pants...
He coined the term tonight and I thought the world should know :)


Just look at that face... Does she look easily distracted to you?

Still Waters

Still Waters Run Deep

This is how a friend recently described Hubby... Apt description. He blushed a bit at the compliment and joked how Josh might back peddle if he discovered the leaning stacks of cheesy comic books on the nightstand. Now I'm not saying that his stacking tendencies don't occasionally make me consider that pyromania might be the only solution, but enthusiastic love for superheroes is part of his makeup. Even if Josh changed his opinion, I will always love my comic book-nerd, film-geek hubby.

Here is Hubby's current comic book love.
The Green Lantern

He tried to explain lanterns to me, but I just don't get it... oh well. How does that mini mask stick to that guy's face anyway? Adhesive? I don't see any strings there... And who decided that if you've got superpowers the only prudent course of action is to run around in a leotard with a mask super-glued to your face? I guess I can't judge though, I spent about 20 years of my life in a leotard. Maybe I'll write a gymnastics post someday...

Back to my point... A flattering compliment from a casual acquaintance, but it struck me, because it rings so true.

This is the perfect phrase to sum him up. Still Waters Run Deep.

Hubby is calm, measured, and level. The most loyal man I've ever met. Sometimes almost to a fault. Almost... and then I remember that I am the one who most benefits from this loyalty. Hubby's is a quiet confidence. He has no need to show it off, or push it in anyone's face. He doesn't worry much about clothes... or hair... or shoes... or what anyone else is doing.

Instead, he does his own thing. And very well. We recently found out that the teaching job he just landed (wrote about the job the other day) had 4000 other people apply for it. That is just insane.

Under Hubby's calm surface the waters run extremely deep. Makes me think of the fjords in Norway. Some of them are narrow enough to pitch a stone to the opposite shore, but run thousands of feet deep. Hubby's like that... and it's a lovely thing.

I've been lucky enough to experience both.

Thanks to studio Jfish on flikr for the photo :)
I didn't feel like digging in the closet to find mine...

On my own, although I'm hard-working and enthusiastic, I'm also frazzled, panicky, and a bit scattered. I'm always concerned about making a good appearance. I glance around a lot. He rubs off on me though... calms me down and helps me to focus.

Look at him watching Lilly.

She's thrashing around and he's just watching her sort it out. Lilly takes after me... which makes my mom sorry she wished a colicky baby on me for years. But that's another story. Lilly needs her daddy... he'll temper her to. She is lucky to have him.


I think I mentioned I love him...

No Drugs, Thanks

This is Lilly Jean on the day she was born. That was on December 8th, 2008. What a big day for both of us!

In the months leading up to this moment, I was OBSESSED with reading every detail about birth. I was somewhat certain I was headed to my deathbed, but hopeful that if I did survive that the resulting infant would be cute and not afflicted by colic.

Now that survival has been achieved, I am somewhat obsessed with remembering all the moments of Lilly's birth.

My Mom really wanted to be there... Hubby wanted it to be just us... I just didn't want anyone to be pissed while I was giving birth (read, stuck in the middle and I kinda wanted my mommy). Anyway, when I was walking the halls with Hubby and Laurie (my wonderful doula), walking might be a misleading word... shuffling and puking is more accurate... Mom started walking along and feeding me ice chips between contractions. She stuck with me to the end and took a zillion pictures.

I LOVE THESE PICTURES. I will spare the eyes of anyone who might happen apon this site... Lots of blood and such. For example, I happen to appear naked and exhausted (but not dead!) in the background of the first photo of my mom holding Lilly. I don't care though. I look at them all the time.

Not really sure what it is about them, the light in the hospital was horrid in the wee hours of the morning. I look awful. Everyone looks awful. I guess I'm just so proud that I was able to give Lilly a birth free from chemicals. The photos are the evidence of a moment that is burned into my memory like a brand. I'm different now.

Each photo sparks a memory from a slightly different angle... mine. Like the shot where mom is proudly smiling and holding Lilly. Laurie is leaning toward me and talking me through sitting up for the first time. These tiny movements took everything I had. Thank god for Laurie. She was there to help me so that Tim and Mom could enjoy meeting Lilly.

Here I am meeting Lilly...


Here is Hubby holding her for the first time...


We did it! Together! Thanks to Hubby and Mom and Laurie :)

And Lilly is CUTE!!! But afflicted with the dreaded COLIC...